I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
