i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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