i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
