Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
