sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Someone shit on the floor
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
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