You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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