I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
