dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
