Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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