What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
