toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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