my phone needs a breathalizer
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
