god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I'm passing your future prison.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
