I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Pooping to opera.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
