It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Randomize