im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I have aggressive nipples.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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