I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
