Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
