And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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