Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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