its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
