All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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