The maid of honor just puked.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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