thus making me awesome and them whores
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
