Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
