Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
