Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
