Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
