Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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