I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
3pm strippers are depressing
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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