I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
