last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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