your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
