So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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