Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Randomize
