I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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