just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
