Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
