woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
