i wish my penis had a tongue
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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