I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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