If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
