literally had 100 drinks last night.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
