So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
