I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
