I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
