I don't usually arrange sex via text message
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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