there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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