Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
