Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
