My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
