you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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