How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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