now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Someone came in the potted fern
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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