Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
