How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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